Hello there everyone,

I wanted to let all interested parties know that I've moved to another site. Tony and I purchased some cheap web real estate so we have a domain to ourselves. My new address is http://www.zanthina.moogaman.com

If you would like a domain on our site for your journal or whatnot, just let me know and I'll see what we can do.

Ciao!

Ok, so I had intended to continue the previous entry, but honestly I can't remember where I had intended to go with it at that time. So I read over it and I'm going to make my best guess at what I was thinking.

I'm trying to think of some awesome metaphor for the point I'm trying to get across concerning how one puts life together. I've thought for a while now that you put in place the things you know you want to have. For example, I know (as well as anyone can ever "know" anything for certain) that I want to be with Tony. So I lock Tony into place in my life, and anything else moves around him. I've also decided that I will get a masters degree. So that also locks in and other factors start moving around that too. As for a job/career, I haven't decided for sure what that will be yet, and I might not ever "lock" any particular choice down in my life. Maybe my job choice will always be fluid and decided by things I have deemed more important. Maybe not, maybe I will fall in love with something I get to do someday and lock that in as what I want to do. Where I live and how long I live there are fluid right now as are many other things in my life.

I guess what I'm saying is I personally don't think it necessary to put pressure on yourself or someone else to make solid decisions about anything all at once. Since this post is still inspired by Tony's recent LJ posts exploring what he wants to do, I will use him as an example. I don't want him to think he has to have anything decided or think he has to stick with something he has pursued if he has decided he doesn't like it. However, I think if he's started something (broadcast media degree) that he thinks he may enjoy, I surely think he should give that a try. If he ends up wanting to do something else, so what? What I would like is to know that I am one of the things in his life that he has decided to keep. And I think I am, so I'm happy there. :) I just hate to see him or anybody pressured by life and decisions we think we have to make when we really never have enough information to know what the best path is. We just clench our fists, squint our eyes, say a prayer, and take a step. If the first step goes ok, then take another. And if you have to backup and start over sometimes, well it's better than being stuck somewhere you hate.

I feel like talking about how "life is just a series of things we do, one after the other and none of it matters and blah blah blah..." But I've never been really good at that kind of thing.

Tony doesn't know what he wants to do. I don't think I know anybody who knows what they want to do. Everyone I've ever encountered that knew what they wanted to do has eventually modified it somehow. Here's what Baz Luhrmann has to say on the subject:

"Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday."

and

"The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t."

finally...

"Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s."

He's much better at this stuff than I am. Good job, Baz.

What do I want to do? Well, for a long time I thought that I should find a career that inspires me, so that when I get up to go to work every day I leap out of bed and just can't wait to start the day!! Then life came along and I realized something. Chances, are, I'm not going to feel that way about my job every day. And, at least at first, I'm probably going to be in a job that I merely tolerate. The job I have now, for instance, I don't love. I don't hate it, but given the choice I would rather stay home. But it pays the bills for now while I get ready to try something else.

Gotta get outta here, I'll finish later.

You are Bahamut! You scored 18 good or evil, 10 spirituality, 7 power, and 22 intelligence!

Do you hear that? Something on the horizon stirs a cyclone from thin air, clouds boil and darken, the air grows chill as an unmistakeable sound pierces the air. The clouds part and a stream of pure white light streaks the sky, obliterating anything it touches, sparking countless explosions and drawing both gasps of terror and screams of agony in chorus. Granted, Bahamut has been known to play both sides, but he's usually on the side of good. He's extremely old, very wise, and lacking none of the power he wielded long ago. Basically he's a demi-god, but for our purposes he's the embodiment of all the best traits - intelligence, spirit, strength and good. Appearing in practically every single Final Fantasy in some form or other, Bahamut is synonymous with not only power, but strength of will, wisdom and strength of character. I must applaud you, test taker, for you are in a class all your own. If you really measure up to Bahamut's impressive list of attributes, you're alright in my book. Your polar opposite is the Goblin. You're likely to get along with anyone aligned with Good.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on purity You scored higher than 99% on faith You scored higher than 99% on strength You scored higher than 99% on intelligence

Link: The Who are you in the FF Universe Test written by Helbereth on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I recently figured out, once again, that I'm an adult. I have a little family that I come home to and provide support for. It's a warm fuzzy feeling indeed.

I've also learned recently the value of life experience. With some decisions you just can't KNOW what's going to be the best way to go. You just have to proceed and hope you're doing the right thing. I don't think I'm referring to anything in particular here, just musing. I remember my grandma telling me that one thing or another in my life had been or was going to be a bad decision. Looking back on it, how did she know? How was I supposed to know. I never, in my opinion, did anything that, at the time, was obviously stupid. All the bad decisions I've made I have had to live with in order to conclude that they were bad. Grandma would roll her eyes and wonder how I could be so unwise in doing whatever I was doing at the time. But how could she, or anyone else for that matter, predict how things would turn out for me? A good decision for someone else may not be so great for me. I've done things that others advised against that turned out really well. The opposite has also been true. Anyway, the lesson here for me is to avoid passing judgements on the decisions of others if at all possible. The exceptions to this rule, I suppose, would be if a loved one was in imminent danger of harming themselves or someone else. But that's pretty obvious, so...

Along the same subject line, I wonder why I'm so sensitive to my Grandma's opinions of me and my life. She's never been especially judgemental that I can recall. But, I would definitely care if she disapproved of something whereas I may not give a crap concerning anyone else's thoughts. I would care if my mom disapproved of something, but I can't really imagine that happening. I don't know why I think my grandma would be angry at me for some actions I would take, but I fear that situation anyway. Why is it so important to me that I get her approval? I have no idea.

It's almost time to go home. Thank heavens, it's been a long and boring night here at the office. Nothing happened, nothing. I wonder if Dawn made her chocolate truffle things...

I joined Curves, and I really like the workout system there. I'd put a link here, but I figure if you're interested enough you'll go look it up yourself. I'm getting Taco Bell tonight, because starting tomorrow I get to write down everything I eat and turn it in at Curves after 7 days. I think having to report it, though a bit childish in a way, will help me feel accountable for what foods I eat. Knowing that someone else will know will help me to make better food choices until I can change some habits and become more accountable to myself. So I'm doing the honorable thing and pigging out tonight. Go me :)

Ok, so I'm confused. I'm here at the old work computer...and I get an email saying someone has commented on a post I put up here 2 MONTHS ago. And what they said wasn't very nice. Here, you can check it out. http://zanthina.livejournal.com/24285.html . Scroll down, you'll find it.

Now why would someone go and randomly post something like that? I have no clue. Is it someone I know? Probably, but I can't even begin to guess who. And why would they post anonymously? That does no good, if you have a problem with me just be honest about the whole situation and we can get it resolved. That comment was just petty. And dumb. That tells me that the person posting it is petty. And dumb.

Anyway, in other news, if you follow themoogaman's journal then you know we've been through some crazy stuff in the past few days. See here: http://archive.columbiatribune.com/2006/aug/20060808news007.asp

The accident was surreal. It doesn't seem to me like it really happened. I'm fine, I am not having any pain, flashbacks or nightmares. I watched a guy die and all I thought was "Well, there's a guy dying." Crazy. So now I'm on the way to buying a Toyota Prius because of the astounding gas mileage. Expensive car though, makes my skin crawl to spend that much money. But I'm sure I'll love the car. If you are wondering about the beetle, it also has come to a tragic end. The day after the accident I was driving it and it shot itself in the engine with it's own spark plug. It will cost between 2000 and 3000 to fix it, according to my first estimate. At that price I'll gladly give the VW the finger and move on to better things.

Dawn moves in tomorrow. Holy Moly I thought I had more time. Oh well, here goes.

To the driver of the green 1994 aerostar minivan that goes 5mph uphill and 82mph downhill, please get out of my way and then subsequently off my ass. It appears as though you are operating on one halfheartedly functioning cylinder and are relying mostly on momentum at this point.
So I've been thinking a lot lately about sex and fidelity. Had a good long talk about it with the loverboy too. We agree that open relationships aren't for us, and this makes me happy. He means well, he really does. But when he says that the main reason he doesn't have sex with other people is that past experience has taught him he can't guarantee he won't get caught, I freak out a little. Not because I want him to screw other people, I like that he doesn't. I want to know there are other reasons that come to his mind before the fact that he would get caught. And he would, believe me. MY past experiences have taught me suspicion. In previous relationships I rarely suspected my partner of any wrongdoing. Now I am always hunting for something, always on the lookout. I'm not exactly expecting it, but I won't be caught by surprise. I wasn't always this way, and I hate how I've changed.
Now back to the issue of not cheating because you know you'll get caught. It's a pretty good reason, seeing as how the cheated upon partner would be hurt by it. So, the reasoning of not wanting to be caught could be viewed as protecting one's partner. However, the way I feel about my partner and my relationship makes my reasoning a bit different. I simply cannot entertain the idea of relations with someone else without feeling ill. I don't look at other people in a sexual way (unless you are counting porn, and in that case who can help it?). I don't feel urges and such towards others because I DON'T WANT OTHER PEOPLE. I have no feelings for others because I don't have room for them. The feelings I have for my partner completely fill and occupy me. I am happy this way.
In our culture where everything and everyone is disposable, I want my most important bond to be kept sacred. I dont' want sex thrown in my face, it makes me sick. I am not a prude, I appreciate human beauty, I love sex. But I want some things to be reserved. I have to sanctify my own life in this way because the world sure as hell isn't going to do it for me.
This is what I want. I want someone who doesn't screw around. I want someone who wouldn't screw around even if I said they could, even if I didn't care if they did. I want someone who wants only me, who can't help but want only me. I want that kind of devotion, and I deserve that.
I am happy where I am, for the most part.

My lover scrubbed the toilet today.  It was way hawt.

Another update from work...

Well, what the hell was that? I was BUSY there for about two weeks. Between getting ready for Lilies War and RampArt (a fundraising event organized by the agency I work for) I've been going nonstop.
I am so much looking forward to going to Milwaukee for a week in July. Tony and I are going to see his friend (and mine by association...everything that's Tony's is MINE!!) Tim who moved up there last year. He's an awesome guy and we are going to have a blast. I am betting there will be a lot of beer drinking because, after all, it's Milwaukee. Tim has reported that there's a lot to do and we will not be bored, he lives between two hot nightclub areas. I'm not sure I can imagine Tony chillin at a nightclub, but I have seen stranger things.

Namely, me at work. I have had a LOT of time to think and do random stuff. I probably did a lot more random stuff than I did thinking.

I thought about what it must be like to take care of someone's affairs after they die. You would have all these pieces of the life of a person you thought you knew. When you were done going through all their stuff would you know them better? Would you have more questions? Can you piece together the stuff someone leaves behind and know who they were or what they wanted to be? It seems by the time we are ready to really let someone into our lives, ie we die and someone has to get rid of the stuff we leave behind, it's too late to answer questions about our lives. Only a few select lucky people will know the stories behind the seemingly meaningless objects we chose to keep for one reason or another. And how can we tell people how much we love them with just the stuff left from our daily lives? If I died next week, would my Tony, my family, and friends be able to see and pick out how I felt about them? About life?

I'm not sure why my thoughts are so death-oriented at the moment. I sure don't feel like dying, feel I might die soon, and haven't had anyone close to me die recently. It could probably happen but definitely not eminent. Dr Sesser (one of my professors) says that thoughts of death or discussion of death usually indicates and end to a process in life. I'm not sure what that could be but I'll give it some thought and get back to you.

So I'm doing some stuff again that I'm ashamed of. Stuff that tells me I should work on being a bit more secure with myself. I guess that's what the whole trying to eat right and get more exercise bit is about. That won't do it all though. Being better physically doesn't cure emotional crap but I'm sure it helps a lot.

I'm about to go home. What a ho-hum day.